Happy Things and Unsightly Screams

My head hurts. It's a tension headache. My last tension headache was on Friday. School induced? Children induced? Life induced? No. Scorpion induced. I have come to the actualization (this is me trying to be more "self-actualized") that I have a scorpion phobia. No shame. I've been sitting at my computer because I spotted a scorpion on the CEILING in my living room whilst Elliott has been out for the night.  Sitting on the couch is too... squishy. Much too easy of a target. I've been sitting in my hard kitchen chair for the last two hours with the harsh overhead lighting blasting in my eyes because any chance of relaxation for the night was just defeated (and now it's a matter of laziness, who are we kidding)? Too lazy to try and enjoy the night. Constant spasms jerking my blankets, pillows, food, away from me (you never know if that's a scorpion touching you)!  Now, I can muster up a textbook/baseball bat/heavy object splat kill (or at least immobilization) if it's on the ground. If it's on the ceiling? Big bombs come out of my mouth. Bigger bombs came out this time because I knew Elliott was gone. I still called him saying "I. Just. Can't." He called our neighbors (who we/he already knows pretty well and of course, I didn't have their number). They came over. Killed the scorpion. I offered cookies at a future date. Classy way to have them over for the first time. 

One of my first "new-home" purchases was a bug man. He just came a few days ago so the scorpion is... acceptable... Somewhat. Well, I'm not going to get mad at Troy, I'll just say. He's great. I mean, seriously, (ptooey, ptooey, ptooey), but if I didn't have Elliott, I'd probably have many sleepless nights... and a lot of bills from Animal Control over a single scorpion killing... do  they charge for that? Thanks goodness for neighbors! Meanwhile, thanks to my great memory, I can't get scorpions out of my head, and I am one of the few adults (I'm realizing) who still gets night terrors! I had to warn Brianne the first time we stayed in a hotel together. I often wake up screaming from one thing or another, many times: scorpions. Elliott taps me while in his sleep (he's mastered autopilot mode on this whole "comforting" thing. You have to if it happens enough times) and tells me to think of Pato, my affectionate little nickname for Barrett. So I do. And eventually, go back to sleep. Yeah, re-reading all of this has definitely convinced me of the need to seek out treatment options for phobias.

I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write...

I bought one of these a few days ago, in "Lemon Grass" to be exact. In our old Ward in Gilbert, we met for Sunday School in the seminary room. Colorful and creative posters and Church art adorned the walls. One poster read, "The dullest ink is better than the brightest memory." I have a very "bright" memory. It's more of a nightmare than a blessing. But, because I have a such a retentive memory, I like to be exact in every detail when recalling or retelling an event. I haven't journaled in years. A friend was telling me about her mother's pregnancy journal the other day and I felt a little twinge of regret over not having done one for either of my pregnancies much less the 27 months I've been a mother. I've forgotten so much and when something triggers a certain memory from Beckett's infancy, or Barrett's pregnancy, I wonder if that memory will ever be "triggered" again (photos do help, thankfully). I think these colors will motivate me into journaling enough to create a customized, colored rainbow of my "history in the making" if you will. It's never too late.  

Fourth of July

 We only get to visit Nana and Papa once or twice a year, so the camera takes permanent residence around my neck when we go. We have been settling in quite nicely into our new home and new area and absolutely love it. We, especially Elliott, have been busy painting away the bedrooms (it was shocking that nearly every bedroom remained unpainted for the 20+ years this house has been here; the walls absorbed all of our color when we first started)! When I'm not painting the trim, I take Beckett off to run errands at places like Trader Joe's and Arizona Bread Co. (have you tried their pumpkin chocolate chip bread?!) to keep him distracted from the "fun" he thinks painting is. We've also been happy to have family of all sorts come over for pool parties, and fortunately have a few more planned. I would have liked to say "before the end of summer" at the end of that sentence, but that doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon. 

My Doll/Chihuahua Puppy Is 6 Months

Barrett is 6 months today and becoming less like my little doll -puppy I like to tote and dote on (a la Paris Hilton). I found this out yesterday when I was at the Children's Museum of Phoenix and, carrying him in one arm, wisely decided to take Beckett into the art room with only ONE free hand. No matter, when it came time to wash Beckett off at the sink, I simply said out-loud to my littlest companion, "We'll just do the football position," and, standing up, proceeded to tuck him under my arm perpendicular to my body, hands and feet dangling out. A woman then kindly offered to hold Barrett for 30 seconds while I finished helping Beckett. Ohhhh welllll. I love little Barrett, I love little babies. I'll always want a tiny round baby to hold and eat. Toddlers... I will appreciate the time spent in that little age--but appreciate it as much when passed. Babies I will miss always when that stage permanently passes from my life.That is why I am grateful that when I was loading pictures on my computer today, I realized that my camera had just recently "zero'ed" out again. Meaning, for the SECOND time, it has hit 10,000 pictures and cycled back to 0. So for the times in which I feel especially sentimental, I suppose 20,000 pictures of my children will suffice... for now. 

In the Past Month

We have:

Celebrated a marriage anniversary (4 years)

Celebrated two graduates from dental school

Kicked off the celebration at ASDOH's annual Founder's Ball

Savored 4 months with Barrett...

And blessed him in Church the very next day.

 And we also moved.

And in the Evening She's a Singer With the Band

Elliott tells me that if he were a stay-at-home-mother, he would have no inhibition about doing just what he wanted without feeling the need to "prove something" to people. Meaning, if he wanted to visit art and history museums regularly because it was something he's passionate about (it's not, really) he would. If he wanted to take a language or fine arts class of some sort, he would. If he wanted to go to culinary school to develop strong cooking skills (we talk about this one for me quite a bit just for a funny), he would. If he wanted to volunteer his time somewhere, he would.

 I've discussed this previously on here; Education and hobby development do not have to be in pursuit of a degree, career, or end goal. Learning to garden and cultivate the Earth, painting and designing a home, reading, and exercising or training for a marathon can be productive and worthwhile uses of time with lifelong learning implications.

I struggle with this, that's why I blog about it so "self-assuredly" and "matter-of-factly" (and so often). I want to read my words over again and remember them and believe them.

 I think I have this self-defeating fear of being "lesser" than my husband because I believe in my competence as a student and potential professional in the workforce yet he will be the primary one assuming that role. A few weeks back at school, my cohort was discussing, as a group, scheduling times for us to counsel clients next semester. I disagreed with their proposed method of deciding who schedules on what days and a girl (woman?) turned to me and said, "That's not... practical... for the people who have JOBS." I scoffed at it (being the high-strung, Type A, young, confident mother I am) and went about my merry adamant ways.  It's not so much as a knock to my self-worth but rather a pet-peeve that yet another person views mothers as "lesser" unless they have a career to boot. I despise that, actually. I don't like that many other stay-at-home mothers I know feel that way about themselves and I especially don't like that I have moments of weakness in which I feel that way about myself. My husband doesn't make me feel that way, and I wonder if that's rare--hopefully not. He tells me the sky's the limit and that he will let me do whatever my heart wants and will love. NOT what I think I "need"--apart from being a stay-at-home-mother. I admire the mothers who are able to so gracefully balance work and home, who work from home, who turn pastimes into successful enterprises, and who do what they want, do what they love, and do it without feeling a void for more gratification from the illustrious "outside."     

Beckett playing with Weeble Wobbles while we sign documents for our new house--we're moving this week!

Love is Old, Love is New; Love is All, Love is You

My anniversary is today. It is my favorite day of the year. It makes my eyes swell and my heart burn each time I think of this special day. It is the day that started off all future good days in my life. It is the day I became a wife and the day that allowed me to be a mother when the time became right. It is such a perfect day always. It is a day to remember each day until the calendar circles back to it the next year. My husband took me into his life and made me better for it on this day in 2008. Here's to four years together with no end my sweet husband... Ever.

Look at the seat of that bench bend! It's a little sad that they have removed the wooden benches from the temple grounds (at least in the cactus garden area). I guess I can only be too heartbroken or surprised. It took a good 5 minutes to get into that slightly awkward pose of mine (the dress was not forgiving in weight) and we were worried the bench would give out form under us the whole time. Still, it was one of our favorite moments of wedding pictures and we still walk by the area (where there's now a stone bench--certainly no ability for a leisurely reclining picture) and remember each time. 

 Beckett is exactly the same age today as Claire was in that picture (she is one of the three May 2 birthdays and had just turned two that year). It is fun to look back on her personality then and see who she is today as a six-year-old. Same, fun, personality, same sweetness!