Tuesday, May 22, 2012

And in the Evening She's a Singer With the Band

Elliott tells me that if he were a stay-at-home-mother, he would have no inhibition about doing just what he wanted without feeling the need to "prove something" to people. Meaning, if he wanted to visit art and history museums regularly because it was something he's passionate about (it's not, really) he would. If he wanted to take a language or fine arts class of some sort, he would. If he wanted to go to culinary school to develop strong cooking skills (we talk about this one for me quite a bit just for a funny), he would. If he wanted to volunteer his time somewhere, he would.

 I've discussed this previously on here; Education and hobby development do not have to be in pursuit of a degree, career, or end goal. Learning to garden and cultivate the Earth, painting and designing a home, reading, and exercising or training for a marathon can be productive and worthwhile uses of time with lifelong learning implications.

I struggle with this, that's why I blog about it so "self-assuredly" and "matter-of-factly" (and so often). I want to read my words over again and remember them and believe them.

 I think I have this self-defeating fear of being "lesser" than my husband because I believe in my competence as a student and potential professional in the workforce yet he will be the primary one assuming that role. A few weeks back at school, my cohort was discussing, as a group, scheduling times for us to counsel clients next semester. I disagreed with their proposed method of deciding who schedules on what days and a girl (woman?) turned to me and said, "That's not... practical... for the people who have JOBS." I scoffed at it (being the high-strung, Type A, young, confident mother I am) and went about my merry adamant ways.  It's not so much as a knock to my self-worth but rather a pet-peeve that yet another person views mothers as "lesser" unless they have a career to boot. I despise that, actually. I don't like that many other stay-at-home mothers I know feel that way about themselves and I especially don't like that I have moments of weakness in which I feel that way about myself. My husband doesn't make me feel that way, and I wonder if that's rare--hopefully not. He tells me the sky's the limit and that he will let me do whatever my heart wants and will love. NOT what I think I "need"--apart from being a stay-at-home-mother. I admire the mothers who are able to so gracefully balance work and home, who work from home, who turn pastimes into successful enterprises, and who do what they want, do what they love, and do it without feeling a void for more gratification from the illustrious "outside."     

Beckett playing with Weeble Wobbles while we sign documents for our new house--we're moving this week!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Love is Old, Love is New; Love is All, Love is You

My anniversary is today. It is my favorite day of the year. It makes my eyes swell and my heart burn each time I think of this special day. It is the day that started off all future good days in my life. It is the day I became a wife and the day that allowed me to be a mother when the time became right. It is such a perfect day always. It is a day to remember each day until the calendar circles back to it the next year. My husband took me into his life and made me better for it on this day in 2008. Here's to four years together with no end my sweet husband... Ever.

Look at the seat of that bench bend! It's a little sad that they have removed the wooden benches from the temple grounds (at least in the cactus garden area). I guess I can only be too heartbroken or surprised. It took a good 5 minutes to get into that slightly awkward pose of mine (the dress was not forgiving in weight) and we were worried the bench would give out form under us the whole time. Still, it was one of our favorite moments of wedding pictures and we still walk by the area (where there's now a stone bench--certainly no ability for a leisurely reclining picture) and remember each time. 

 Beckett is exactly the same age today as Claire was in that picture (she is one of the three May 2 birthdays and had just turned two that year). It is fun to look back on her personality then and see who she is today as a six-year-old. Same, fun, personality, same sweetness!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Maybe It's May

Perhaps it's because this just happens to be my favorite month of the year. Perhaps I just miss blogging a little more than usual--the feeling that I am at least doing something to document my life (I am a horrendous journaler). Blogging always means routine. Something safe and consistent. When I didn't have time (believe me, it hasn't been a matter of motivation) to upload a few cheesy photos and write a few cheesy captions, I knew my life was far more chaotic than desired. 

Elliott and I are moving to Tempe this summer. He is graduating dental school the first week in June and will start working shortly after. Tempe is my favorite city in Arizona. One of my most treasured memories (one that I often replay in my mind) is from when Elliott and I were dating. He would drive me down Rural Road to ASU in order for me to catch the last shuttle of night back to ASU West in northern Phoenix. We would hold hands as he drove and the glow of the streetlights and surrounding stores would streak by our windows and leave us wishing that a night would come when I wouldn't have to go. We were happy to be young and together. We loved the excitement and fun being out at night naturally brought, though it usually meant our time together for the night was coming to a close. I love the memories and locations associated with Tempe. We are moving into a neighborhood where we already know our neighbors--literally!

PS, anyone in need of serious packing boxes? Take a stroll down the aisles of Wal Mart at 1:00am and help yourself to the mounting piles of boxes discarded by the stocking crew. I don't think it's every night, but they are happy to let you know when!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Snuggle Puppies

Happy Mother's Day to my mother through birth and mother through marriage. 
And a thank you to my children for allowing me to celebrate this day for myself also!
I really do need to mention, however, just how many new mother's there are this year! It makes me so very happy to think of the friends and family who are either expecting or just had their first babe over the past year, either through adoption or conception! It seems as though, for some, the road to motherhood is just as long as the road of motherhood. Neither is necessarily easy, but both are incredibly worthwhile and experiential. Congratulations new and soon-to-be mothers! The first Mother's Day is always a special one. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Barrett Turns 3 Months.

Barrett turned 3 months yesterday. One week exactly after Beckett turned 2. Twenty-one months apart are my boys (yesterday, my doctor implored me to get an IUD and take a break from kids for a while). I am in the throes of school (notice how these age-related posts are a day late being that I had school the past two Wednesdays). While I love it, yesterday I found myself excessively sharing concern with my classmates over what the final semesters will entail for me and my two, young kids. It'll be just fine, but it's been a challenge indeed ensuring that my participation in school is healthy and does not overshadow or consume my primary and prioritized role as a mother. I am so glad I'm earning my Master's. I have questioned myself, doubted myself, and near given up on myself numerous times over the past year and a half, but I am already two-thirds of the way there and the times where I have felt encouraged and self-assured are motivation enough to persevere and feel reinforced that this has been a great and awesome experience. I will be grateful to share my educational endeavors with my children through putting into practice what I have learned, but moreover by example. 

But enough school. Little more can be said about Barrett than what already has. I suppose the exception is that he is even more so a sweet baby and even more so a happy and GOOD one. I love babies. Toddlers... I struggle with that age. Sorry Beckett. But babies... Babies will be my downfall. I will always miss having a little baby, a little doll. It will always keep me wanting just one more. I just have to remember that even the littlest babies grow up, and turn into toddlers, who turn into children, who turn into adolescents, who turn into... well, my age. 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Beckett Turns 2

Beckett turned two years old yesterday. My dearest, my oldest, is two. He knows his age. The other night he was having an especially hard time going to bed. I had placed him back into his bed several times, but 20-30 minutes later I'd hear a handle turn. I was tired and frustrated. On the final time I escorted him back to bed, I laid him down softly (after smelling his bum for a bomb) and held his hand, placing my face near his, and humming. He started to hum with me though the concept was difficult for him to fully grasp. I hummed "Baby Mine" from Dumbo and "The Second Star to the Right" from Peter Pan. It was going on 2 hours since this nighttime charade had begun, but I stared into his eyes, kissed his hand as if he were a little prince and hummed sweet and soft songs with the hope of sleep for him. I knew then, that there would be a time when there would be nothing I wouldn't give to be able to see my sweet baby almost 2 hours after he was supposed to be asleep. 

 Breakfast at JP Pancakes. 
 May 2 is also Claire and Bella's birthdays, but Beckett was so sweetly included in the festivities with them as well. 

The birthday festivities extended into two days and we will even have our second (or third?) annual Cinco de Mayo festivities at ASU Library Storage tomorrow incorporating graduation/birthday/and Hispanic Heritage into one Blue Whale-themed party (because it's that big).